Is It Possible To Survive An Affair?

How do you pick up the pieces after an affair? Or, do you pick up the pieces at all? 

Only you can decide what to do after an affair, and it will not be an easy decision. Affairs rarely have just one cause and they often create chaos in a relationship that is already filled with problems. 

Ironically, affairs can also provide an opportunity for positive change. The key is to understand why the affair happened in the first place. For this, you will need to explore what was happening in your lives and in your relationship just before the affair occurred. You will need to talk about the cheating partners vulnerability to an affair and you will need to talk about how the affair has impacted the faithful partner. This can be very painful for both partners and can take a lot of time. 

What helps to Repair the Relationship

• The unfaithful partner must agree to end the affair and end all communication with the other person.
  
• Unfaithful partners need be transparent about their future actions, share information about schedules and disclose any interactions with other persons. For a short time, it may be necessary to share computer/cell phone/laptop passwords and other privacy controls with the deceived partner in order to rebuild trust.
  
• It's important to talk about the affair. Often, the faithful partner is reluctant to ask questions for fear the answers will be too painful while the unfaithful partner may not want to talk about certain events that bring up remorse or regret. It is important to discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger and grief. The whole process may take months or longer.  Be ready to answer questions at any time. Even years after the affair has ended. 
  
• Set a time limit when you talk about the affair. Don't let the conversation consume your whole day. You both will need a break and time to focus on new beginnings together.
• Spend time together not talking about the affair.  Take interest in each others' lives and feelings, and connect again as friends. Rekindle activities you've always enjoyed together.
• Forgiveness takes time. The faithful partner may be in deep pain or shock. Expect anger, tears, rage, and grief. Be patient. It takes time to rebuild trust that has been broken.
• There will be future challenges in your relationship. Don't push them under the rug. Agree to discuss future obstacles and how they might pose a threat to your fidelity.
• Find support. Connect with supportive family and friends. Make sure the people who surround you support your choices and what you to succeed. Consider relationship counseling. 
  
  

There are no guarantees as to whether or not your relationship can survive an affair. Each relationship is unique and specific to your life stressors, beliefs about relationships, and world views on gender, religion and politics - all of which can impact relationships in different ways. If you and your partner remain together you may ultimately gain a deeper understanding of your relationship. If you separate, you will gain an increased understanding of yourself, know that you had the courage to face the truth, and will be better prepared for future relationships. 

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